The recent wintry conditions have caused me to be stuck home alone for a week, time I spent photographing robins in my garden and reflecting about what a difference two years can make!
This time two years ago I was completely broken; I was ready to stop battling, stop falling deeper, stop crying, stop being on my knees, stop…just stop…and give up. But thankfully I had an angel nearby who caught me as a I fell and has held my hand ever since!
It is no exaggeration to say that 2015 was my annus horribilis. I had not been truly well for 6 years, incapacitated for 3, my positivity shield had slipped away and the grief for me and my old life was really kicking in. There was the daily battle (again no exaggeration) with the DWP on various fronts, which at one point left me trying to survive on just £50 a week. The severe lack of money forced the decision to give up my beloved little car and my independence, I was seldom well enough to drive any more anyway. Then there was a letter informing me that I needed to find a new home, and the cherry on the cake, not long before Christmas, the love of my life decided he could no longer cope and he walked out on me.
Two years ago there was a VERY black day, I simply could not cope with any more loss, stress or lack of control. Every aspect of my life had spiralled out of control, people I could once rely on for support were no longer there for me, the mental, emotional and physical toll had become too much to bear, the fight and determination in me had been well and truly squashed. There seemed no way forward, but I clung to my life buoy.
My guardian angel was with me that day and that day did pass.
Nothing about my circumstances suddenly changed, it still all seemed to be insurmountable, but I just took each day at a time, dealt with each and every practicality in turn. I look back now and really don’t know how I got through it all and many things are a complete blur.
But two months later I moved into my lovely new home, which is far better suited to my current needs and I gradually started to rebuild my life.
Two years on and I have moved on emotionally and mentally. I have started meeting new people and making some lovely new friends, people who truly care and understand. I am still working through my grief, but I am gradually letting go of identifying myself by the things I can, cannot or used to do and slowly getting to know the real person inside, the one always there, no matter what her body does or does not allow her to do.
If only I could go back two years, visit that desperately broken person who could see no way out, no way forward. If I could, I would tell her “This too shall pass”.